It was Friday night before Valentines day when we first met. It was at a jazz lounge, a candle lite room.... the first time I saw him I knew I wanted to get to know him, there was something about him... he was so fine. I immediately approached him to introduce myself, it wasn't too left field since I was with a friend that new some people in his group. We talked a bit and exchanged phone numbers. I hadn't been out in a long time... I'd been sheltered, single and lonely for months. I've always been in long term relationships, sadly my last relationship was a bust.... my ex was like a leech sucking the life out of me... I'd been through hell and lonely a long time... so I agreed to leave the jazz lounge and meet my new friend for more drinks with some of his friends. We all drank and partied, it was getting late.. maybe 2am... and the getty was winding down. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place or somewhere to hang out... foolishly I went back to his place. That was a big mistake... I'd never done anything like this ever, I don't know what possessed me... he seemed harmless enough and I figured I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. So there we were listening to music and then we started to kiss, he was amazing and smelled so good. I hadn't been with a man in a while, it was like my hormones were raging and the alcohol made me feel so relaxed and careless. I woke up the next morning in his bed and was still intoxicated from the alcohol. I was shocked at what I had done, I'd never done such a thing and never imagined I ever would! I felt like a cheap whore. It was awkward but he was polite enough and escorted me out as I was running late for my Saturday morning appointment. My make up was smeared and head spinning. I was so upset with myself, I slept with a stranger, that's what people call a one night stand... I felt terrible.... but I had to play it cool... what was done was done, there was no turning back. Luckily afterwards we continued to talk and dated for a couple months. We were spending a lot of time together and I really began to fall for him. I wanted us to be official, I wanted to be his girl... but after the first couple of months he started acting different. He became distant and was not available as often but I continued to see him and allowed space between us... In my heart I wanted to be with him all the time, I really began to fall in love with him. I admired him and appreciated his qualities, like his wit, inquisitiveness, ambition, work ethic.... he was creative and a go getter just like me. I thought we'd make a good couple. But what I didn't realize is that he would never truly respect me, that first night could not be forgotten, no matter if it was a mistake, the one and only time I'd ever experienced such a thing... he'll always see me as easy and never truly respect me... no matter how well we got along or if in fact we were compatible. That first night ruined everything... he started disappearing on the weekends and couldn't see me as often... it was obvious what was happening. Maybe I was his rebound or maybe he had someone all along, God only knows... So I became the disposable girl and my heart was aching... I couldn't even be mad at him, I caused this pain, I chose to give myself to a stranger and take a risk, a very foolish risk. I suppose there's a first time for everything. I can't imagine how some people live this way, to them it's no big deal. Me, I was hurt, very hurt and I did it to myself. I don't hear from him anymore since I stopped believing his lies, his lame excuses for disappearing days with no communication. He tried to keep me on the back burner but I realized the mistakes I made, it was too late, it was over......
By Annie Anonymous.
Photography by CC.
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